Are long-distance relationships a waste of time? I think one of the inherent dangers that isn’t talked about nearly enough in long-distance relationships is that it’s very easy to say things that are romantic.
You know I really like you, you’re really special. We haven’t met. It’s like there’s an actual investment tax.
Someone can say: you’re really special. Oh, my god, you and I would be great together, but if they live next door, you’d go okay.
So why aren’t we together? Then? You know someone would actually have to back that up. In long distance you can get away with saying all of these romantic things and at the same time, going but oh, no, you live all the way over the other side of the world, i’m here it’s like a Romeo and Juliet scenario.
How are we going to make it work? Is it so difficult? Isn’t it but you’re so special. I really like you, you get to say all of these romantic things with complete impunity, because someone couldn’t reasonably expect us to Do all of these difficult things to make it work at the moment.
We can, for a very long time, be in a long distance relationship or situation, ship or tunnel vision, with a person to the exclusion of all of our other options that are on our doorstep. Not knowing that it’s ultimately going to be fruitless, that when push comes to shove, this person isn’t going to make any sacrifices to make it work With us. That begs the question: how do we read someone’s intentions in a long distance relationship so that we have some idea of whether we might be wasting our time or not? Here’s a couple of simple questions.You can ask first, what would be the next practical, logical action? They would take in this situation if they meant what they say or, to put it a different way.
If I felt the way they say they’re feeling, what would I be doing, what sacrifices would I be making and what actions would I be taking? How would I be going out of my way to make this work and if the answer to that question is drastically different from what they’re doing right now, then you know that at the very least you’re in a situation Where what the two of you are prepared To do varies massively now in this situation. Someone is going to tell you all of these reasons why they can’t take certain actions, why they can’t fly to see you or clear space in their schedule so that you can come to see them or meet you halfway.You may then look at those excuses and say they’re legitimate. I can’t argue with those they’re logical, they make Sense, it is difficult, but here’s the way you have to look at it. There’s a principle called occam’s razor of two explanations that take account of all of the facts.
The simplest explanation is likely to be the correct one. So, for example, when someone gives you all of their reasoning about why they can’t invest, why they can’t take action on your relationship, Why they can’t sacrifice.
You can look at all of that and try and decipher their excuses and understand these complex arguments as to why someone can’t do what you’re willing to do, or you could look at the other explanation – they’re not willing to do what i’m willing to do in this Situation to make it work, they are not committed enough to make this relationship Work.
It’s a simpler explanation and it’s therefore more likely to be the correct one. So, look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t, are all long-distance relationships a waste of time?, of course they’re not. You know why it’s not a waste of time, because at the end of the day, if you picked up the phone and said you needed me or I picked up the phone and said I needed you, either of us would be on the next damn plane. Yeah.That’s true: we would both risk it, not all long distance relationships are a waste of time, but if you are going to invest in a long-distance relationship or, dare say, any relationship that is logistically difficult, then be aware that something that is inherently very difficult requires grand measures to make it work, do you have someone who is willing to take those grand measures To make it work? Are you willing to take those grand measures to make it work? Are you really looking to do what it takes to make it work, or is this relationship just filling a hole for you right now, because you’re not happy deep down? You know it’s not right, but you keep investing in it anyway because it seems better than nothing.It’s a distraction from your existential Melancholy that is keeping you in a depressed state.
God forbid you go there and explore that. No, instead, just you know keep this fire burning with someone that you can pretend is right for you as a distraction from your misery.It could be that one person has this big life that another person has to move to come and be involved in, because the reverse just isn’t possible right.It might be that one person is making a bigger sacrifice, but is that sacrifice welcomed? Is that sacrifice something? Someone respects them, they then make space for the person that moves in their life when that happens, sometimes the actions aren’t the same, but you see that the intentions are the same through what both people give to the relationship for the space that they make for the Relationship in their lives.
Make sure you’ve got one of those if you’re going to do something as difficult as a long distance relationship, because it’s bloody.